Tag Archives: April Fools

Bob Hope Airport Announces Plans to go ‘International’

One airport, two terminals – what to do?

Bob Hope Airport-1Bob Hope Airport Commissioners have voted to turn the existing terminal into an international hub after the new terminal has been completed in a couple of years.

According to the commission, there was really no plan for the land where the terminals, which have served the airport well for several decades, so why not take some of the stress off of LAX and offer international travelers an alternative.

With very little makeover, the terminals can have a passport center added and also equip the gates for the larger planes, such as the Airbus, that will allow airlines and travelers to make their destination in Burbank and avoid the traffic in Los Angeles.

One thing to consider is April Fools!!

Burbank City Council to Discuss Full Time Mayor, Council Districts

City Staff has recommended that the Council take up a new procedure for elections in Burbank.

Burbank-City-Seal-LogoWith the 2015 election, the City will be split into four ‘districts’ with each one being represented by a different councilman. The fifth member of the council would be a full time Mayor, with a salary of $100,000 per year. The Mayor would run the meeting, provide the tie breaking vote, and go to all the ribbon cuttings and civic events.

This move is being made after residents complained that they are unable to go to coucilmembers homes for coffee when they have problems.  They also do not know which councilman to approach.

On the other hand, the yearly Mayor has found that there are over 250 events a year they must attend and they deserve a full time salary for having to go to all of these events.

This will not be a City of Bell situation where money is spent freely, but the salary will be collected by charging every resident a 18 cent charge per month on their utility bills.  While the salary goal is $100,000, it will fluctuate depending on how many residents there are.

The public is encouraged not to speak on this topic at the meeting tonight because staff says they know what is best for the city.

They did want to tell everyone, April Fools, however!!

‘Coyote Man’ Spotted In Burbank Hills

Several Burbank witnesses swear they’ve seen the Coyote Man, up until now regarded as a myth.

“The full moon was shining,” begins one witness. “My wife and I were walking along Walnut, next to DeBell.  Then we hear a bunch of coyotes yipping, except that one of the yippers sounded odd.”

coyote manWhen he and his wife turned in the direction of the sound, they saw a young man, naked but for a loincloth, in the middle of about six coyotes. “It’s like he was the leader of the pack,” added the witness.

Another witness was hiking with her sister along the Verdugo ridge, near the forested Fire Warden’s Grove. “We rounded a curve and found ourselves face-to-face with that mountain lion. [Ed. Note, the same one that’s been in the news] Suddenly a young man, naked but for a loincloth, leapt on the back of the mountain lion and pinned it to the ground.” The sisters immediately fled in the other direction. “I can still hear his   triumphant coyote yipping as we raced down the hill,” said the witness.

According to legend, the Coyote Man was a toddler who wandered away from his parents. And though he was lost to civilization, a band of friendly coyotes—who had just eaten–discovered him and raised him as one of their own. Occasionally Coyote Man was spotted deep in the San Gabriels, but the sightings were discounted because the witnesses were usually drunk.

“Maybe that big fire made Coyote Man migrate to the Verdugos, just like that mountain lion,” speculates one of the witnesses. “But it seems like he’s definitely on our side.”

If you see Coyote Man, please let myburbank.com know.

and remember, April Fools!

Citizen Committee Seeks Statehood For Burbank

While some in the San Fernando Valley dream of seceding from LA and forming their own city, several Burbank leaders have bigger plans. Fed up with Sacramento’s antics, a Burbank citizen’s committee is proposing statehood for Burbank.

“Rather than try to reform a hopeless case like California, it makes more sense to form a state of our own,” explains C.S.,  the committee’s chair. “And Burbank has always been an island of sanity. [Ed. Note: at least compared to LA] We’re business friendly and we don’t have parking meters.”

City Hall Tree Decorating-4If the committee succeeds, Burbank would have the distinction of being the only state that begins with a “B,” as well as being smaller than Rhode Island, currently the smallest state in the union.

But the committee intends to make the State of Burbank unique in other ways. “Burbank would adopt the best things we see in all the other states,” explains R.B., another member of the committee.  “Think of it! We could have a zero state income tax like some states. And low property taxes would be guaranteed under our own version of Proposition 13. And instead of that lame Medical program, we’d have real health coverage with MediBurbank.”

Granted that Burbank’s municipal finances have been reasonably sound, how would its State-level obligations be met? “Well,” muses a committee member, “we could legalize gambling like Nevada or marijuana like Colorado.”  But while the bud may indeed spur a budding economy, the committee acknowledges that the Rocky Mountain high may face a rocky road to acceptance.  “But I’m sure that we’ll work something out,” the committee member continues optimistically. “Folks will do just about anything to get out from under those clowns running California.”

Initially, the committee flirted with Glendale and Pasadena joining Burbank and creating a three-city state. “Trouble was, we couldn’t agree on the State’s name. Some of us wanted to call it Burglenpas. Others pushed for Enadalebank. You get the idea.”

If Burbank does achieve statehood, it will have a Governor, two Senators and one member of the House of Representatives. Several Burbankers  have been proposed for these offices, though there is not yet an agreed upon short list.

“The important thing is to let the City Council know that you favor statehood for Burbank,” says C.S.  “It’s absolutely essential that the people’s voices be heard.”

Please e-mail myburbank.com as well, and let us know whom you’d like to see as governor of the proud state of Burbank. We’d also welcome suggestions for the state bird and the state flower. Burbank could also use a good state motto.

…..and by the way….April Fools!

The Common Cold Invades The Computer

A human cold virus has mutated into a silicon virus, causing computers to catch cold. Maybe yours.

“It probably started when someone didn’t cover their mouth and sneezed onto their keyboard,” theorizes University of Ruritania computer guru Prof. Nicolai Fraudescu. “Viruses mutate very rapidly, and some of them must have found a way to survive inside a computer.”

virusIt’s not such a farfetched notion when you consider that silicon, the building block of computers, is very similar to carbon, the building block of life. Some scientists have even speculated that there could be silicon-based life forms on other planets.

Unlike the software sort of virus that were used to fighting, the “computer cold virus” is a primitive, microscopic organism like its “common cold” counterpart. “But here’s the funny thing,” says Prof. Fraudescu. “These new viruses can transmit an electronic signal to other computers that cause them to make new viruses.” Not unlike 3D printing.

So far, there are only three reported cases of the computer cold in Burbank.  “But this problem can spread very rapidly once the virus has a foothold,” warns the professor.  He shares the following tips:

Signs that your computer may have caught a cold

The computer is warmer than usual.

The screen has a green tinge.

The computer emits random noises.

What to do

Turn the computer off and unplug it.

Keep it in a cool dark place.

Play soothing music. Mozart seems to work best.

 

and don’t forget…..April Fools!